Rants, Rates, Slags, Slates.

Manic-depressive posts from Red Wright-Hand. Because there are thousands of worthless blogs out there and who am I not to add to their number?

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Total US troop deaths in Iraq to date (09/01/07) since 03/20/03: 3739

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(Sources: US Dept. of Defense, Iraq Coalition Casualty Count)

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Just to prove I'm not entirely morose 24/7, I hereby post my proposed lyrics to "Love Theme from Gigli." I can just imagine some studio employee conjecturing that all the movie really needed to avoid its leper-status at the box-office was a solid ballad for Jennifer Lopez to belt over the closing credits. But hell, I didn't even see the movie; for all I know, Jennifer Lopez does sing some horrible song as the tail end of the movie unspools to a theaterful of empty seats.

Things to bear in mind while reading:

1. Like I said, I haven't seen the movie, so these lyrics are based entirely on reviews and hearsay.

2. Imagine these words set to some shitty Hollywood ear-punisher of your choice. Heartlight, Evergreen, you know what I mean? Real sludge.

3. There was a third thing but now I can't remember what it was.

LOVE THEME FROM GIGLI

I was lost and I was drifting, been hurt by so many guys
I’d gotten used to finding love between a woman’s thighs
I did what the mob guys told me, I killed here and I killed there
Once I pushed some old lady in front of the D train, you could say I just didn’t care

And then one day they sent me out, to keep an eye on some kidnapped kid
You opened your door, you opened your heart, do you know what you’ve done did?

Ohhhhh Gigli, you really really make me feel so high
I think I fell for you when I watched you saw the thumb off that dead guy
Ohhhhh Gigli, I really think we’re meant for one another
I’m gonna do some yoga then spend my life with you...

After days in your apartment with that cute retarded boy
Your muscles and your forehead ridge became an everlasting joy
My life is now a sundae, and you’re the maraschino
Let’s run away together, I think you’re sexier than Al Pacino, and...

Gigli, you really are my special kind of guy
You’re the one man in the Mob who’ll
Do me when I say “Gobble, gobble”
Gigli, you’re the sun who chases away the rain
I'm writing my girlfriend a letter that reads “Dear Jaaaaaaaaaaaane”

posted by Red at 1:40 PM