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MATRIX FILMMAKER IN "SUCKS-CHANGE" SCANDAL: By now, most of you readers who pay any attention at all to Hollywood/celebrity gossip have probably heard the shocking whispers about filmmaker Larry Wachowski, writer-director (with brother Andy) of this summer's The Matrix Reloaded. I can officially confirm those eye-opening rumors, here, before the world. After a private and in-depth investigation that consumed no less than 150 minutes of my time, and at a personal expenditure of $8.50, I can now attest that The Matrix film franchise has had a sucks-change operation. That is correct. The Matrix Reloaded, the sequel to 1999's smash hit The Matrix and this year's most quiveringly anticipated film, absolutely sucks. What had promised to be a thrilling continuation of a trendsetting earlier movie, and an expansion of the characters and philosophy contained therein, has revealed itself to be a robotic clunker that even many confirmed arrested-adolescent fantasy-film nerds don't like. There are some who doubt this, who say it is unfair to pry into the privacy of artists' lives, that it is callous to snigger at private parts bared to the unblinking light of clinical inspection. They say: "Aw man, why can't you understand? It's supposed to be robotic. And, uh, boring. And repetitive. And pointless. Cause then it's like, you know, like it was generated by The Matrix itself. Why are you so blind to that? And it was like really cool when those vanilla rasta guys got all transparent and stuff! And that 10-minute dance scene at the beginning? That was so totally important to letting the audience know what life in a 23rd-century underground city would be like! I hope you get it now!" To which I say: "Boys, don't you have Bar Mitzvah lessons to attend?"

And, really, has anyone spotted anything resembling an actual essay on The Matrix Essays? Let me know if you do.
posted by Red at 5:12 PM